TRUE STORY: "I Love My Husband And Want A Second Wedding With My Boyfriend"
Just got this curious letter from a female reader who, being originally from Nigeria, has lived over half of her life abroad. She describes her rather controversial lifestyle, as, being already married, she considers marrying again - and the husband supports her decision.
When
I'm designing save-the-date cards, or doing some other wedding-related
activity, I don't feel any different from any other person planning a
wedding. Sometimes I have to remind myself that most people won't even
view my marriage as valid -- I’m polyamorous, and have already been
legally married for 11 years. The wedding I'm planning now is with my
boyfriend, and our union will probably never be legally recognized. But
the significance of our wedding is absolutely real to us.
A
few years ago, I never would have imagined I'd get married again. Since
shifting to a non-monogamous relationship, I'd become cynical about
marriage and the normative values I felt it represented. I still deeply
loved my husband and was no less certain that I wanted to spend the rest
of my life with him, but often thought if I had it to do over again,
I'd have skipped the legal marriage part.
But then a funny thing
happened: I fell in love again.
As
long as we'd been living polyamorously, I had been open to the
possibility of someday having another long-term, committed relationship,
and when my boyfriend and I began dating, I realized pretty quickly
that I could imagine a future with him. By the time he brought up the
possibility of having a wedding, we had been together for close to two
years and were already planning on spending our lives together.
I
never had any doubts about making a lifelong commitment to him. But I
did have doubts about what it would mean to actually have a wedding, and
whether we would just be replicating something normative and
traditional even with our radically non-traditional relationship.
There
was never a proposal or a single defining moment when we became
"engaged." There were just conversations, me wrestling with my own
uncertainties and realizing ultimately that yes, I did want very badly
to stand up and declare my love for this man in front of all the people
who matter to us. And then go have a great party afterword.
One
frustrating misconception about my relationships I've encountered many
times is that my relationship with my husband is more serious and
meaningful, and that my relationship with my boyfriend is something fun
and casual on the side. Even now that we all share a home, I still sense
that people assume my relationship with my boyfriend to be something
lesser than my relationship with my husband.
I
know that having a wedding is probably unlikely to change the opinions
of most people who feel that way, but still, it matters to me to make
this formal declaration that this relationship is every bit as
meaningful and real as the legally recognized one. We aren't having a
wedding to prove anything to anyone; we're getting married because we're
in love and we want to celebrate that love with our friends and
families.
But still, it does feel
wonderfully defiant to say we don’t need legal recognition in order to
do this, a sentiment I can only imagine that many same-sex couples who
have married without state recognition have shared.
My
husband is entirely supportive of the wedding; we would never have made
such a decision in the first place if we were not already functioning
harmoniously as a family. He doesn't want any special involvement in our
ceremony, but he did enthusiastically volunteer to cook the food for
our backyard reception.
Our friends
are fantastically accepting of our relationship, but family has been,
unsurprisingly, a bit more complicated. My mom loves my boyfriend and
supports our relationship, but also doesn't fully understand our desire
to have a large celebration. My boyfriend's family has always treated me
with warmth and kindness, and I appreciate their acceptance of me. But,
with a few exceptions, most of them do not approve of our relationship,
let alone our wedding. When we're at family gatherings, no one mentions
our wedding at all, a sharp contrast to the spirit of enthusiastic
congratulations that typically accompanies engagements in the family.
At
times, I can't help but feel aware that rather than simply being a
happy occasion for celebration, our upcoming marriage feels like a
touchy and taboo subject. We have yet to face direct condemnation, but
we're not naïve to the strong possibility that there will be plenty as
the wedding ceremony approaches We would not be surprised if as many as
half of our hundred guests refuse to attend.
No
matter how much we try to laugh it off, it's still painful. All around
me, I see unhappy, dysfunctional relationships that are legitimized by
society because they fit the usual model, while our happy, healthy
relationships are automatically written off as wrong and invalid because
they look different from what people are used to.
I
often think, perhaps naively, that if people could spend a few days in
our house, they'd realize that our love is genuine, that we're a caring,
stable family. We laugh together, we support one another, and even the
pointless little fights we sometimes get into are really no different
than the ones monogamous couples have.
When
my boyfriend and I stand up before our loved ones and declare our
commitment, I hope we can offer some little glimpse into the reality of
our lives, and that maybe a few people in attendance will recognize what
they see as real love. But if not, that’s okay, too. We'll still be
married, whether anyone else sees us that way or not.
Life
changes fast, the society gets more and more open-minded by accepting
and supporting lifestyles that would have been condemned just a decade
ago. Still, some practices are still controversial in terms of morality
and/or religion. What do you think of this woman and her confession?
