KD Blog: I'm in Love with Two Men at Once.. My Boyfriend and My Ex
I’m in love with two men at once. Both of them are waiting for me to make a choice. Choosing one means I will have to lose the other. I can’t decide what to do.
I’m
26 and my boyfriend’s 27. We’ve been together on and off for the best
part of a year. He is sensitive, romantic, exciting and passionate but
I’ve twice broken with him because of my feelings for my ex.
I
was with my ex for almost three years. I was completely in love with
him but we began arguing more and communicating less. It got to the
point we were fighting all the time. I felt detached from him and
started developing feelings for the guy who is now my boyfriend.
We
met at the gym and started going for runs together. We got on so well
that I realised how serious this was and decided to keep my distance.
What I thought was just a harmless crush was taking me away from my
relationship - I was cheating emotionally.
But
the more I tried, the worse it got. I wanted to be close to him. The
guilt was driving me crazy. One night
this guy told me I was everything
he wanted in a girl. I burst into tears and told him I thought about him
all the time.
I
could no longer hide behind the self-denial and I broke up with my ex. I
have a brilliant time with my new guy. We’ve an amazing physical
chemistry and get along great, but I can’t help but miss my ex terribly.
I wonder if I made a mistake by ending our relationship prematurely.
My
ex is still madly in love with me and would do anything to get me back,
but I have no desire to be intimate with him whatsoever. I don’t fancy
having to work hard in therapy in order to fall back in love with him
again, but did I dump him too soon? It’s a pattern for me that I give up
on relationships at the three-year mark.
Suggestions:
The
fact that you’ve stopped fancying your ex and don’t want sex with him
is a pretty clear indicator that it isn’t working for you any longer.
Accept
that you’ll have to manage without the security blanket he’s provided
and end it cleanly and firmly once and for all. There may be things
you’ll miss about him but you know now they’re not enough to make the
relationship work.
If
you realise you have a pattern that could jeopardise this relationship
in three years’ time, it’s worth having some counselling to understand
what it’s about, but set your ex free to move on with his life.
