Glory Edozien: These Girls Ain’t Loyal
I’m going to be honest. A part of me lights up like fireworks on the fourth of July when I hear a woman is cheating on her man. Inexcusable I know, but I can’t help but feel her actions are restoring balance to the male philandering dominated world we live in. Shoot me, but I’ve heard/know of more men (married and single) cheating on their partners than I have of women. Yes, I know this might be a poor excuse, but I am sticking to it nonetheless. Also, I guess a part of me is intrigued by these daredevil women, with enough balls to possess and conquer without remorse.
I had this argument with my besto,
Onome, and of course he shut me down. Like many of you, I’m sure, he
couldn’t believe that Glory, ‘Madame idealist’, would ever support women
cheating. The more I explained my theory of balance the more he put
forward more cogent arguments, which dulled the initial sparkle of my
thesis. And to shut me up forever, he recanted endless tales of women
destroying hearts and lives by cheating on men who had been nothing but
faithful to them. So like a wounded dog, I tucked my tail between my
legs and admitted defeat.
Of all the stories Onome told, it was
possibly one of Bukky, his colleague that assuaged me the most. To the
world Bukky was a happily married woman with 3 boys and a doting
husband. They had a home in a decent area of Lagos, both had good jobs
and managed to put their children in good schools. “What more could a
woman want”? Onome asked, I declined to answer. Apparently, Bukky was
the envy of all women in her office, until she was caught doing the
dirty with a graduate assistant during their team building retreat in
January. One thing led to another, and Bukky’s husband was informed of
her infidelity. He threw her belongings out of the house before she
returned from her trip. She now faces a lengthy divorce and custody
battle, including the stigma of being branded a cheating wife. According
to Onome, Bukky’s parents are reluctant to initiate settlement
procedures with their son –in-law, because they are ashamed of their
daughter’s actions.
While a part of me does feel for Bukky’s
husband, a larger part wonders why any woman in a satisfying
relationship would cheat, especially with so much at stake. Men have
argued for ages that they are capable of emotionless ‘attachments’. In
fact, this is almost an accepted creed among women folk. The unspoken
excuse for taking back a cheating partner “he means nothing to her, it
was just sex”.
One then begins to wonder why the same
excuse is not acceptable for women. Could it be that Bukky too was
simply scratching an itch and it had nothing to do with if she was in a
satisfied marriage or not? If our society is amenable to excusing
cheating men why aren’t they with women? Had the tables been turned, I
wonder if Bukky’s parents would have encouraged her to throw her
husband’s belonging out of the house or instead given her advice on how
to keep her marriage issues private and be a better wife.
Now before you all start stoning me, I
am not saying women should cheat just because men are. I am only
questioning the double standard we all seem to accept where
relationships are concerned. Besides it is possible that Bukky may not
have been as happy as everyone assumed. Perhaps it was all a facade and
the reality was quite different from perception?
Recently, a married friend of mine
commented about how lonely married life could be, and how easy it is to
slip into depression especially after the first child. She told me about
her constant need for validation from a husband who was hardly home;
her sense of self loss (and even self loathing) after she gave birth;
and the need to constantly satisfy her in-laws and infant child at the
expense of her own sanity. One can easily see how internalising these
emotions could lead to a few misplaced steps, if not properly managed.
I remember just before my ex and I broke
up a few years ago, the drama in our relationship had so drawn us
apart, I didn’t feel the need to confide or share details of my life
with him anymore. It was easier to talk with someone else and to feel
unusually pleased by the compliments of complete strangers. In the end,
we didn’t even need to have the break up talk, the telepathic connection
that had once tied us together slowly unravelled and we both knew the
end was inevitable. As I told Onome, if you don’t keep your fence
secure, you can’t blame the sheep from wondering. Of course, the bond of
marriage is completely different and requires a much higher level of
commitment, but a woman married or single is still a woman and requires a
certain level of attention from her man.
So while Onome and the rest of his gang
were quick to vilify Bukky, I decided to take a somewhat different
route. I wanted to understand why Bukky cheated? Did she just have an
itch that needed scratching? Or was there something more sinister behind
that veil of perceived perfection? What do you think? Why would a woman
cheat on her man?
To read more from Glory Edozien, visit www.inspiredbyglory.com