20 Famous quotes from Joan Rivers
“My mother’s greatest joy in life was to make
people laugh,” Melissa Rivers said in a statement. “Although that is
difficult to do right now, I know her final wish would be that we return
to laughing soon.”
And so, in honor of our favorite comedian,
here are some of Rivers’ best, most rowdy and most memorable quotes,
jokes, jabs, one-liners and quips:
1. “I blame my mother for my poor sex life.
All she told me was, ‘The man goes on top and the woman underneath.’
For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”
2. “I don’t exercise. If God wanted us to bend over, he’d put diamonds on the floor.”
3. “I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware.”
4. “I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’”
5. “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”
6. “I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.”
7. “My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I’d scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus — that way, I’d visit him every day.”
8. “Before we make love, my husband takes a painkiller.”
9. “I was not an attractive child. When I didn’t use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.”
10. “I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.”
11. “I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all-liquid. 80 proof.”
12. “My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it’s missing and what’s there stinks.”
13. “My vagina is like Newark. Men know it’s there, but they don’t want to visit.”
14. “My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.”
15. “All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.”
16. “I said to my husband, ‘My boobs have
gone, my stomach’s gone, say something nice about my legs.’ He said,
‘Blue goes with everything.’”
17. “Looking fifty is great – if you’re sixty.”
18. “Thank God we’re living in a country
where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in
bed thanks to television.”
19. “No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.”
20. “I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked.”
