Female Breadwinners Speak On How They Run Their Homes, Hubby Cheats & Yet Can’t Divorce Him
A Punch reporter took out time to speak with some women who have been
the breadwinners of their families for years. They narrated how their husbands
lost their jobs, how some even got other jobs later on but claim they are too
much to do such menial jobs, and so put all their financial pressures and that
of the kids solely on them.
A particular one talked about how she established her husband
twice and how he could not account for the money till date, but instead he cheats
on her, connive with mechanics to dupe her and yet she can’t divorce him
because of what the society will say. A Christian who also spoke on the matter
said, it is unfortunate but the woman has no option than to stay in the
marriage and carry her cross (her husband). Their story culled from Punch below:
Her wedding day was one of happiness and merry making. But
that was a few years ago when Wunmi Oyediji was still in love. Fast forward
eight years and you have a completely different story from the sweet romance
that led Oyediji to the altar.
Her marriage to Damilare had so much promise, but her hope
of a blissful union gradually faded into a living hell before her eyes, albeit
a silent one since her frustrations are being bottled up. Oyediji’s constant
source of worry is her husband.
Oyediji, a banker with a reasonable income, met Damilare
when he was working in an IT firm in Lagos. But shortly after their marriage,
Damilare lost his job and has had none since then, except for the mostly futile
hustling he does at the Computer Village, Ikeja, Lagos State capital. The
village is Nigeria’s IT hub.
For over five years, Oyediji has been shouldering the
financial responsibilities at home like paying their children’s school fees,
feeding and clothing the family.
Twice, she has tried to set up business for her husband and
twice he has been unable to account for the money invested in the businesses.
On several occasions, Oyediji has caught Damilare cheating on her and on a few
other instances suspected him of attempting to dupe her.
“It’s just like he’s contented with the situation because he
has since stopped looking for job or trying to take care of his
responsibilities at home. If I ask him for any money, he will say ‘shebi you
have money, go and do it now,’” she told Saturday PUNCH.
“Over a year ago, I gave him over N1.5m to get some
equipment from overseas which he said he would sell at the Computer Village.
Till now, he insists the goods have not arrived in Nigeria and each time I ask,
he keeps giving different reasons. Some months ago, he asked for another
N300,000 to clear some issues causing the delay in bringing in the goods but I
didn’t believe him; so I didn’t give him.
“Earlier, I had given him about N1m for another project but
nothing also came out of that one. I know he also cheats on me because I go
through his phones but he always denies it. In spite of everything I do for
him, he still connives with my mechanic to increase the cost of auto parts so
that he can take cuts. ”
However, Oyediji is not considering divorce or separating
from Damilare yet for a few reasons including the fear of raising their
children without a father figure.
“Apart from the fact that I don’t want to raise the children
as a single parent, I also don’t want my marriage to fail. People will say the
marriage failed because I’m richer than my husband and that’s why I’m not
submissive to him. But that’s far from the truth. Some of my friends wonder if
I’ve been charmed but those are the reasons I don’t want a divorce,” she said.
In many of such cases, the women suffer in silence because
of a range of reasons including the stigma and the cultural issues associated
with divorce. In Nigeria, divorce is frowned at culturally and so divorcees
often have a hard time getting someone to remarry.
New trend?
Findings by Saturday PUNCH show that what Oyediji is going
through appears to be increasingly becoming common in marriages, which goes
against a culture of having men as predominantly breadwinners in homes.
Although many people blame the situation on the country’s
socio-economic situation, which has thrown more men out of job, findings show
that more men these days appear to be content with abdicating their
responsibilities at home to their women.
However, this is not to say that some men in such circumstances
are not genuinely working hard to provide for their families. But even such
efforts have been described as little by a cross section of respondents who
spoke with our correspondent.
Some of the respondents said the way the girl-child is often
saddled with more domestic responsibilities than the male-child toughens and
helps her to cope better with life challenges than the male child.
Indeed, most of the parents who spoke with our correspondent
said they are more likely to send their female children on errands than their
males. And often times, while the female child is being sent on multiple
errands, the male child is sitting idle or clutching to his video game.
In the United States of America, a research by the
Prudential Financial Group already found that over half of the country’s women
are primary breadwinners in their households- 53 per cent precisely.
The research further “shows that 40 per cent of these women
are either single or divorced and support themselves entirely, while 22 per
cent of married women earn more than their husbands.”
Another recent study carried out in the US by Pew Research
tracking back 50 years seems to confirm the trend. The research also shows a
recent record share of wives being more educated than their husbands.
The report acknowledged that it used to be more common for
husbands to have more education than their wives but that for the first time,
the share of couples in which the wife is the one marrying a man with a lower
level of education is higher than those in which the husband has more
education.
For instance, the report stated that “among married women in
2012, 21 per cent had spouses who were less educated than they were—a threefold
increase from 1960,” according to a new Pew Research Centre analysis of census
data.
A sociologist, Mr. Monday Ashibogwu of the Republic Media
Limited in a phone conversation with Saturday PUNCH, identified Kenya in East
Africa as also having a high number of women breadwinners in households.
“It’s even worse off in Kenya where there is a high
prevalence of lazy men who will not do anything and wait on women because a lot
of their women are very industrious,” he said.
Looking at similar situations in Nigeria, the case of Mr.
David Popoola comes to the light.
Like Damilare, Popoola was into IT until his business
crashed about five years ago. Since then, he has depended on his wife, Funke,
who manages a thriving catering business in Lagos.
Since losing his job, Popoola has had a few job offers, but
he turned them all down for one reason or the other each time an offer came.
The latest one came when Popoola rejected a job offer by the Lagos State
Traffic Management Authority, facilitated by his uncle.
This attitude infuriated Funke and her appeals to get
Popoola to work have so far been shunned by him.
In an informal interaction with Popoola by our
correspondent, he revealed he had turned down the latest job offer because he
felt the job did not befit his status.
“The job is beneath me. Can you imagine me doing a LASTMA
job with my master’s degree? He said.
Funke, however, explained that she has been providing for
the home and paying the children’s school fees, singlehandedly, for five years.
A source close to the family also shared with our
correspondent how Popoola wondered why there was so much fuss over his decision
to wait for his dream job.
“He told me that after all, he’s been supporting the home
since by taking care of the kids when his wife is at work. His wife is tired of
the whole thing, but she’s enduring it because she doesn’t want to go through
divorce,” the source said.
Like Popoola, Mr. Akpan, who is also jobless, has been
taking care of the home while his wife, Gloria, is at work.
Gloria, a director in the Federal Capital Territory, Abuja,
has been embarrassed by her husband’s situation.
Akpan, a chartered accountant was a banker until he resigned
some years ago after a recapitalisation policy by the Central Bank of Nigeria
led to mergers which affected his bank.
His complaint was that a younger worker was being put above
him as his superior.
After a few months of searching for job, Akpan got another
one but resigned six months later, citing a similar excuse. In all, Akpan has
resigned from three jobs before deciding that he was no longer interested in
working for anyone.
Since Akpan’s last job in 2008, he has been relying on his
wife to carry out the financial responsibilities in the home.
Gloria told our correspondent that in addition to such
responsibilities, she has had to constantly upgrade her husband to keep up with
her status as a senior federal civil servant.
“I buy him cars and give him money because it will be
shameful for the husband of a director to look wretched. The situation bothers
me but what can I do? It’s my cross,” she said.
Tolulope, who is from a rich family, met her husband in
church. They courted briefly before getting married 10 years ago. Shortly after
the marriage, Tolulope realised that Daniel was not a comfortable businessman
he had claimed to be. He always insists that Gloria, a banker, is earning more
than him and should therefore foot the bills in the house.
Tolulope said she has grown tired of shouldering all the
financial responsibilities at home, but does not know what to do.
She said, “He doesn’t do anything at home. We used to share
our children’s tuition fees between us but after some time, he stopped paying.
He said after all, I was earning more than him.
“I never really knew him before we got married because the
marriage was arranged in our church. He gave me the impression that he was
responsible and had a comfortable job. It was later that I got to know that he
wasn’t a businessman as he had claimed.
“Sometimes, he would not come home. He would say he had one
business to attend to but none of the businesses ever brought in money for the
family. So I knew he must have been cheating on me. I went through his phone
one day and saw a text message from someone claiming to be pregnant for him. He
denied and swore to me that he knew nothing about it.
“I don’t mind putting down more money at home, I just want
him to be putting something down too even if it’s only N5,000. I bought him a
car when he complained about taking public transport.
“He gets jealous every time he sees me with any man and if
he asks for money and I don’t give him, he gets very violent. The painful part
was that he beats me in the presence of our children.”
But interestingly, the trend is not peculiar to the
country’s educated class alone. It cuts across all strata of the society.
For example, a sample carried out in major markets in Lagos
shows a scenario similar to the ones earlier highlighted.
A lot of the women at Ketu and Mile 12 markets in Lagos are
travellers from adjoining states like Oyo, Ogun, Osun and Kwara, sending money
home for the upkeep of their families.
One of the these traders from Oke-Ogun area of Oyo State,
identified herself as Mrs. Ramota.
Ramota said though she labours everyday to send money home
to her family, reports getting back to her concerning her husband had been
unpleasant.
“In spite of all I do to feed my husband and four children,
travelling up and down, I hear that he cheats on me whenever I’m not around.
And he doesn’t do anything. He always waits for me to send money,” she said.
The Books frown at it
Speaking on the issue, a Muslim cleric, Prof. Ishaq
Akintola, said that the Quran specified that the man should provide for his
home and not the woman.
He said, “The Quran says the man should be the breadwinner.
That is according to Quran Chapter 4 verses 24-27. There is nothing wrong if
the woman is empowered. If she can work, she should be allowed to work. The
Quran says that men have reward for their work and women too have reward for
what they do.”
Also, Pastor Seyi Adeyemi, the senior pastor of the Worship
Centre and Apostolic Church, Oregun, Lagos, said the “Bible is very clear with
regards to the responsibilities of a man in a home as the breadwinner.”
He continued, “The Bible clearly states that whosoever does
not provide for his home has denied the faith and is worse than an infidel. It
is not out of place to have a situation whereby the woman who is supposed to be
a helper but blessed to be equally as buoyant probably because of the work she
is doing, stands to bridge the gap in the time of challenges. The man may have
lost his job or be going through some hard times.
“But it does not mean that the man should sit down and
reverse the role established by God. The man should not become the househusband
and leave the woman to go out and fend while he sits back idling away doing
nothing and expecting the woman to bring everything. A man should find
something to do, no matter how the situation may be.
“It is worse to be a beggar in your own home or sit down
doing nothing when the woman is bringing in income. It is more dignifying for
the husband to do something, even if it is small and earns little income than
to be a dependant or a beggar in his home. Men should not take it for granted
that since their wives are working or earning more, then they should now sit
back.”
In her contribution, a marriage counsellor, Rev. Shade
Toyin-Kehinde, agreed that the added responsibilities being given to the
girl-child could be responsible for the perceived laziness in some men today.
She, however, appealed to women going through such situations to shun divorce
and seek counsel. She also advised young women in the process of making a
choice for marriage “to pray, look well and also seek for counsel.”
She said, “Divorce is not an option; that a man is lazy is
no grounds for divorce. He’s become your cross and you have to carry it. For
such a woman, it is better to find a counsellor or somebody both of them
respect. She can seek for counsel from such a person and it will be very
helpful.
