Can a couple really find peace in an inter-faith marriage?
Getting married to someone of a different faith is often very challenging for people. They have to deal with some degree of opposition from either family and may feel uncertain about how they’ll keep practising their faith when they marry. Then when they eventually marry, they have to deal with the religious differences and make sure they can raise their kids with some sort of balance and with cooperation from their spouse.
There’s been a long, perpetual debate about if a Christian should marry a Muslim and if a Muslim should marry a Christian. Conservative believers tend to kick at interfaith relationships outright, but liberal believers are more inclined to consider.
Idris and Hannah have been married for seven years now and they have two kids. They’re an interfaith couple.
Hannah says, “Before I met my husband, I didn’t want to marry a Muslim. I wanted to marry a Christian like myself. But when I met my husband and we began our relationship, I realised that I love him and would be
happy with him. So I began to think there’s nothing wrong with marrying a Muslim after all. I felt he was the right man for me, even though he wasn’t a Christian.
“I believe in destiny, so I think the most important thing is not just to find someone who shares your faith, but to find someone who’s the right person for you — someone who’s been destined to be your husband or wife, even if they do not belong to your faith or do not even belong to any faith at all yet.”
As for Idris, he was indifferent from the outset. He says, “From the beginning it didn’t matter to me if my future wife would be Muslim or Christian. I just wanted to settle down with a good woman. I think love is what really matters. So when I met my wife after I finished school and I found she was Christian, it didn’t bother me. My parents suspected that I was in a relationship with a Christian, but they didn’t disturb us. They just cautioned me and left me to make my own decision. So we went on with the relationship and eventually married.”
“At first I hesitated because I thought my husband would change when we’re married and try to make me convert to Islam,” says Hannah. “But we talked about it and he assured me that I would go on being a Christian. I also spent some time studying him to be sure he was for real and that I and my future children would be able to practise my faith and we’ll all get along well without trouble. I also prayed about it for some time to ask for God’s guidance.”
Her husband says about that, “I’m a very tolerant person concerning religion. I don’t impel my wife to go to the mosque and practise Islam with me. I let her do her thing. In fact, sometimes if they have a special programme in church she invites me and I go. Our daughter has a hijab and she goes to the mosque with me, but she and her brother are also free to go to church with their mother whenever they want. There are no clashes, because we handle things with love and understanding for each other.
“We let our children practise both religions because we believe they’re still young and we shouldn’t impose one religion on them. We believe everyone has the right to choose their own religion, and so we hope the kids will choose for themselves when they grow up.
Ghaniya is a marriage counsellor who often deals with interfaith couples and singles who’re in that kind of relationship. She says, “I usually counsel people that it’s not just about sharing the same faith, but also about sharing the same values. I tell people that they need to understand their values and see that their partner’s values match theirs, and see that if they have any differences, they’re ones that both of them can cope with. A lot of people don’t think these things matter at first, but as the marriage progresses and they grow in their faith, they feel more strongly about it and tend to want their partner to join them in practising their faith. So this is something that prospective interfaith couples need to think thoroughly about.”
“The main thing is for the couple to understand each other,” Hannah says. “When there’s love and understanding, the rest is not hard. There will be peace. There are Christian-Christian marriages that fail and there are Muslim-Muslim marriages that fail. So marrying someone of one’s faith doesn’t nearly guarantee anything. It takes love and understanding.
“My advice is that young people should be very cautious if they’re dating a person whose faith is different. They should give the relationship plenty time so they can get to develop a strong mutual understanding. They should not rush into the marriage. They should be careful, prayerful, and they should make sure that this person is the type of person they’ll get on well with and be happy with.
“Some of my husband’s relatives would call me and say I should be wearing a hijab. They’d try to induce him to impress it on me, but he doesn’t let them teach him what to do. He always supports me about my faith. That’s why it’s also important for the man to be in charge of his home and be able to stamp his authority whenever necessary.
“Last week we celebrated Sallah together as a family. When it’s Christmas, we’ll do the same thing. I believe we are one. We may worship God in different ways. But the truth is, we worship the same God.”
Photo credit – Carmen McCain
