Why women find it hard to get along with their mothers-in-law - By Rachael Ukpebor

So here we are...

I can beat my chest to make you know that this article is worth sparing some few minutes out of your busy schedule to read after all. I have not even started the first paragraph but I know it is going to be awesome.

Alright!

Now let us see the reason for the squabbles between a wifey and mother-in-law.

When it comes to family life, the most difficult to maintain among all of it is that between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Although it is likely for these two women to share close affinity, it is not strange for it to become overbearing (or toxic), with the rollercoaster of emotional imbalances being silently battled frequently. The use of the word 'toxic' might make you think how lethal the relationship between these two could get entangled with.

But why? If there is dispute, at what juncture and on what justification should a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law be at loggerheads?

From my viewpoint, the answers are not far fetched on why a woman would definitely find it hard to get along with her mother-in-law. The two women are competing over the attention of the husband/son.

Men value their mothers.

The bond between mother and son is irreplaceable. Research has shown that if a son grows apart from the mother, his chances of becoming violent or being unstable gets conspicuous. The reverse is the case for girls. As female folks generally do not have the inclination to become violent like their male counterparts. 

Therefore, the emphasis on how boys need to be trained properly to be men is usually true when they come of age. But in their tender years, it is from the attachment to their mother he learns the basic requirements he will need to be man enough. At a single glance at his mother, he comes to grasp the real meaning of true love and care. That is to say, a man is not just a man through his genitalia. You definitely want more (like Oliver Twist right?). You want a complete gentleman and it is only his mother that can hone his chivalrous skills as one.

The Mother

The strong ties a mother has with her son can be compared to mother-daughter bonds. A daughter will eventually grow into a woman like her mother. But a son matures more in contrast to a daughter. He holds on stronger to his role model, mentor and peer group. During his adolescent phase of life, he bonds more with his father.

Thus, the relationship to his mother then grows apart, although the bond he shares with her is still intact. Later on, there is a realisation of the son now being a grown man with his mother.

A necessary split

(Heck, this is a part of this blog post that could potentially get under your skin so consider yourself warned. I do not mean any kind of offense though).

No matter how strong the bond between a mother and son, he must learn to be independent of her or he becomes mocked as 'mama's boy'. Any fully grown man that still has an unhealthy attachment to his mother is still immature. This is because what makes him a man is his ability to be independent of her. If he fails to sever himself from her at this phase, he is still under his mom's colonisation.

The bitter pill

This necessary splitting of a son from his mother is usually difficult for her to swallow. However, the pain of his leaving does not hit her right away. It surfaces during the nuptial ties of her son. She begins to feel replaced as the most important woman in his life. This moment is an eye opener for both the mother and the bride, just because of this singular act of marriage. This is the reason whenever there is dispute: the mother is quick to transfer her aggression to the bride unconsciously; she feels her son neglected her. Moreover, she feels the wife is her rival.

I have seen how a sweet would-be mother-in-law of a woman suddenly started giving negative vibes after she gave consent to the wedding between her son and his new bride. Throughout her visit, the son could not understand what exactly went wrong between them. Often leaving him exhausted from trying to settle the displeasure between his mom and wife. The husband/son is caught in the middle just because his wife finds it hard to get along with her mother-in-law. The mother expects him to be on her side and the wife expects him to have her back no matter what. 

The Bride

The new wife of the man begins to find it hard to get along with her mother-in-law.  She sees her as being too overbearing and remote controls her husband as she likes. So she becomes green with envy or feels betrayed. Moreso, she also wants to be the only woman in his heart! This causes a drift, if the husband is still very much attached to his mother.

The Fix

Frankly, I have some legendary suggestions for you whether as a reader, you are the bride, the man or mother-in-law, the first step is that of acceptance of reality. 

A good mother should accept the fact that her son is now a man and a husband too. This means she should steer clear of any unnecessary interference in her son's home. She should not criticise the wife in order for her son to favour her more or use any sort of emotional blackmail on him. 

Sons that have left his mother should completely cleave to his wife should use discretion. So that his woman will not find it hard to get  along with mother-in-law. Consequently, eliminating sewing discords between them. For instance, putting his mother first or calling her to intervene in his challenges at the slightest sign of trouble before his wife can lead to conflict in the home. Nevertheless, a man should still honour his mother, but be in unison with his wife. 

As for the wife, respect is a good way to not find it hard in getting along with her mother-in-law. Moreover, she should be thankful she gave birth to her husband. Furthermore, she should also see the mother-in-law as her mentor. This would foster cohesion between them in the family. 

However, if the mother-in-law is incapable of being separated from her son. The wife should be understanding and have mutual trust for her husband. So the marriage will not collapse in the process.

I will be signing off shortly. By the way, I hope this was helpful to you.

Cheers!

The writer, Rachael Ukpebor is a Graduate of Sociology and Anthropology from the prestigious University of Benin and a National Affairs commentator. You can reach her on rackysmiles@gmail.com